As most of us are in, or near, their forties I propose to do the report in the style of the 1940's newsreels. Dim the lights, cue the black and white grainy film and play that rag time piano.

Old School - Tie
'Hello Bingo' what a buzz, 'its time for a celebration'. Not the Royal Wedding again although all that bunting and champagne was rather good. I did enjoy the party and I would rather like to propose to the bride's sister and take her up the aisle. Pip , Pip ...No, there's no time for that ....its the cricket season again.

Hurray for Mr Sunshine. Time to iron those flanells, whiten those boots, cut that grass and put a few lines of the white stuff out. Snort snort. Linseed oil anyone.

'Jardine' Cook managed to lose the toss on a pitch that was greener than Corker Patterson after a cocktail party aboard a yacht in a force nine at the Cowes regatta. Bowling first? Rather. Against a novice Skyswood team we'll have this won by Tiffin time.

Winfield opened from the Sunshine End and what's that, no wickets down and runs scored. Its just not cricket. Not to worry 'Morris' Button will sort them out, and Bullnose to you sir !!! What, more runs and no wickets it looks as if we're in for a long night here. First change Jukes. Good steady pressure but no break through against batters that were as comfortable as a couple of large pilllows. Pip pip !! Whats this,.. second change bowler, now's thats the ticket. Regimental straight with swing like Glen Miller. Unplayable. Thats tied them up but still no wickets. What's your name sonny? Hook? Well bowled young un'.

Call up the reinforcements. 'Bend it like Matthews' That's it Peter, that's the way to keep em down, the blighters! Still no wickets but the run rate is now tighter than Tiny Van Damn's wallet. Retiring at 20- new batsmen. Now we'll sort them. Whose this coming in from the top end? Why its 'Tappy' Church. New softer targets and that's it, first wicket, caught by Wizzo Wilson. What's that, balls in the air again!! Button that's yours. 'It came out of the sun sir - I never saw it'. Never mind - we'll get him... eventually.... and Stuka's to you !!!

Jardine Cook came on at the 'not quite so sunny and going down behind the trees', end and whats that, bails flying. Like Taffy Lewis's social life. Its catching . Wizzo Wilson gets an LBW and it wasn't from umpire Button. What a wheeze ! Now we're cooking on coal ! Cook at it again, this will never do, What rot he's gone and got another one with the help of Winfield flying through the air like Douglas Bader.

Last two bowlers 'Dyson' Spencer and 'Hoover' Holmes hanging around to pick up the bits as if after one of Bingo's parties. And top hole !! Just the job chaps, that's cleaned them up and with a run out from Stumps Cowan, the chaps were chasing down 110 to win the game.

Earl Grey anyone ?

Who's turned the lights out. Half crown for the meter anyone? This strong batting line up will soon have these knocked off !! Remember Spencer and Winfield, 'slow and steady wins the race- See you in an hour' Spencer takes a steady two off the first ball and then watch out INCOMING !!! It was like the Battle of El Alamein again as the the ball disappeared into the shrubbery. Six . Steady on Spencer leave a few for us to bag. Winfield slowly came accustomed to the failing light and the Barnes Wallace bounce, before he puts one straight up inthe air. Sorry Winfield that's higher than Biffo after one of his special cigarettes. Still gloves off, bat under arm, stroll off casually. 'Winfield caught mid on Bowled Busb...What, he's only gone and dropped it !! A second life and Winfield moves steadily onto 16 before -- 'Bless my Aunty Agnes poorly knees' , they've only gone and bowled him for 16. Tuff luck old fella.

Wizzo Wilson takes up the battle and calmly takes control with Dyson Spencer. Run rate Ok, gracefully adding one's and two's, covering the ground like Fred Perry at Wimbledon. Accelerating with some 4's both batters are beginnig to make light of the conditions, but steady on, what's this, Spencer has to retire, Has he hurt himself? No, he's scored 20. Stand down old boy and well played, pads off, you wont be needed again. Still Wizzo Wilson's still there with Jukes. These two will save us others padding up.

The umpire's finger is in the air! What? Wizzo Wilson has edged it to the keeper for 17. Mind you in this light he did well to edge it. Still 50 up for two wickets and 8 overs gone. The twins Jukes and Holmes (it was dark) take up the cudgel against the bowling of Nurse. Jukes steps outside leg to swipe a wide one and gets hit o the pad. 'Owsat' is the shout. 'Out' says the umpire. Well it was getting darker? LBW. Holmes trying to get his own back, gets a lifter and like Wilson gets caught by the keeper. Nurse....Nurse... bring me some aspirin, I'm getting head ache !!!

Tappy Church is joined by Cowan with the score having moved onto the early 70's which is exactly how old I felt at this moment. With Cowan and Church groping in the dark (No more Pip Middleton jokes. Ed) a few singles were taken. Listen up Tappy, your supposed to hit the ball away from the fielders. See that white line right over there... thats better. Four!! Bob's bowling now. Is he the Butlers lad,? anyway he wont play next week if he carries on bowling like that , He's only gone and bowled Cowan. Damn cheek of it all.

Steady the ship, take control, calm head required. Church and Hook, despite the gloom and the candles glowing brightly in the church window both managed to push the score along steadily, until at 96 Hook decided to step down the pitch to sort the situation out and, oh no timbers are flying - Bowled Booth. Where's the calm head now? In his hands ! (did he drop it ? Ed). Still Button will clean up. Whats that Keeper?. 'Watch out, He's a slogger'. No...Not our Button. Why's he walking this way? Has he forgotten something ? Oh Damn he has. He forgot to hit the ball. Sorry old chap! Was the sun in your eyes again ?

Church and Cook need 8 off the last over before Church has to retire as well. Well batted Tappy but try and miss the fielders next time. Stauvers and Cook in the virtual dark valiantly try and win it. ' Run em up chaps' ..... Oh dear Jardine Cook has run himself out. Still two runs, that’s the same number of fingers he has put up to the opposition keeper.

Is that it ? Have we lost? Of course !!! Spencer can return. What luck.Two balls left , five to win. Its rather dark Dyson. Good luck old bean. One ball left and still five to win or just maybe a four to tie. Stepping inside the line Spencer clips the ball to square leg - attaboy. Top hole . A tie .....

Not a bad start to the season. Still unbeaten. With the chaps strolling off to the Six Bells to the sound of Six Bells from the church which was now in complete darkness, thoughts were of what could have been and next time !!

Cue the cockerel crowing.