Bats to the future

The sight of Saddoes taking to a cricket field brought back a sense of normality on this warm, slightly overcast, July evening at Clarence Park. It was of course an historic and emotional match, coming as it did after a difficult crisis, thought to have been caused by bats. Thankfully Winfield Sr revealed he had sorted it all out by getting them mended and we now have more decent bats than a Chinese wet market. Crisis over and the season could begin.

Corporal Jones arrived having used the lockdown period to experiment with a longer hairpiece. As we shall see, he wasn't the only one to bring new fashions and equipment along - but on this night Jones was like a man possessed and immediately showed he meant business by aggressively losing the toss and, with locks aflowing, he ordered his men into the field.

And so it was time to witness the toll almost a year away from outdoor cricket had taken on the Sads. Like veterans back from war, the limps, hobbles, creaks and farts began as a roll call was taken. Church, rebuilt from the ground up, confidently walked - yes, walked - onto the outfield. Peel, after sustaining an horrific Subbuteo injury, pulled out his strap on (leg) and primed it ready to give the men from Gardenfields a good seeing to. Lord Wilson, more ECG than ECB nowadays, loaded his portable defib with AAA batteries and hit the charge button. Chenners, Messrs Winfield Sr and Jr, Paggers, Glenno and Dippers reported 'fit' but Williams, who is still Welsh, was taking no chances and lathered himself in what we all hoped was hand sanitiser.

Gardenfields into bat then, and the Saddoes began brilliantly with Winfield Jr bowling with pace and accuracy and Glenno finding a beautiful line and length from the Pavilion End to take a wicket in each of his overs for not very many runs. This was a night for being 'clean bowled' but because Rupes made the joke in the WhatsApp group, sadly the gag about it being 'something to do with the amount of hand sanitiser' being used will now have to wait until after the second wave.

Winfield Sr and Church were then sent into the attack. You can see where Winfield Jr gets his cricketing skill and tenacity, if not his good looks and intelligence. A couple of tidy overs and two more wickets meant the bragging rights went to Senior in the Winfield household on this occasion. Having said that Junior delivered a cracking ale or two later that evening, more than surpassing his father's efforts on the field.

Enter Lazarus. Like C3PO in need of a good oiling, Church now embarked on his run up, cementing a legendary cricketing comeback. In an over which will live long in his memory, once he eventually reached the crease, an lbw 'shout' was followed third ball by a stumping by our magnificent and much maligned wicket keeper (yes Chennells, I have made more than one). If montages were possible, Church would deserve one. From the humiliation of being used as a place holder for the pride umbrella on tour last year, to being allowed to bowl and even bat this season is stuff that legends are made from.

The sudden shout of "CLEAR!" signalled the arrival of Lord Wilson, pockets jangling and overloaded with the money he hadn't spent during lockdown. His first over was bowled with the look of a man who knows his football team are bound for relegation. His second over however was sublime, and he seemed to have a lighter air about him. Perhaps it was an un-sanitised use of hand sanitiser between overs. Whatever it was, two wickets for 1 run is the kind of return that makes all the stress worthwhile.

Next it was Peelers, complete with his secret strap on and a glint in his eye. After a couple of scares where we thought he might have to stop, or at the very least revert to his "Yips" moniker, he bowled with the promise that he will deliver wickets at much the same rate as last season. Nevermind. By this time Gardenfields' scoring had improved, thanks mainly to "Wilkie" who retired and then came back in to score 47. Their next highest scorer made 16, with the others out for not very many.

Despite this one man effort, the scene was set to finish them off and our loyal Corporal was ready. Which is surprising as he had been very responsibly spraying everyone with Dettol and wiping the ball with the cloth he keeps in the car for when the dog scoots. But now was his time. Locks flowing, Jones rolled in to clean bowl his foe and then, moments later, a high pitched and slightly feminine appeal led to an lbw dismissal and Jones's first erection since March 24th 2020.

Williams, by now absolutely riddled with Covid and caked in lube after having to replace the stumps so many times, came onto bowl a couple of tidy overs. Chennells also joined the attack, who mirrored Wilson's form of a magic second over to dismiss the tailenders. Overall a very tidy display by the Saddoes in the field, a job well done and it was time to pad up.

Dippers and Peelers opened and the time on the golf course has obviously been great for the Dips as after a slow start he began to pitch mortar bombs towards the children on the tennis courts. Peelers too started slowly and Gardenfields bowled well, but our opening pair more than matched the run rate. After Dippers was dismissed attempting a chip onto the green at the 9th, I somehow found myself in at Number 3, bewildered and with 'fully blown' Covid after having to hold the balls off 10 different men. After waving for help with my bat, the bowler saw his chance to take a wicket and I returned to my bubble of ridicule on the boundary.

In came Church, a rejuvenated man, who scored with a couple of sublime shots before a very unlucky deflection onto his stumps. Glenno in next and he meant business, following Dippers' lead in attempting to maim as many young tennis players as possible. Peelers survived one lbw decision, but not the second and made way for Chennells, himself still "viral" after his social media success in lockdown.

Gardenfields continued to bowl well, but after an edge or two and a couple of lucky escapes, Chenners and Glenno built the second partnership which would ultimately give Saddoes the victory they deserved. Like Jack Grealish, Lord Wilson played a decent cameo after Glenno's retirement (sadly not from being Australian) but came unstuck as he attempted to run a tight couple, the result a bit like Villa's charge to survival - a decent effort but ultimately doomed.

I believe it was Chenners who hit the winning runs, but by this time I had developed the telling symptoms of a man needing a beer - sweating, dry mouth and the shakes. The tests proved positive and beer was served. Church had gone absolutely beserk with joy and generously treated his teammates to the leftovers of a family picnic; half eaten Happy Shopper sandwiches, out of date sausage rolls and soggy biscuits, all warm from the car and washed down with lashings of Jizzrite Hand Sanitiser, Dettol and the sweet sweet taste of VICTORY.

Man of the Match: Glenno Peter "Lady Lazarus" Church