*SADS v Crabtree match report*

One word described last night’s fixture. Cunt-fest. And not the sort that Longbottom attends.
Still smirking from the 80s picture cards doing the rounds, skipper Mark “Bruno Cunti” Robbo lost the toss and Crabtree elected to bat.
Tim “Waddle” Winfield open with Andrew “Nurse” Noble (check him out - plays for Shrewsbury).

Lothar “Roffers” Matthaus had not only gone to the wrong ground but had the new ball. Late to the fray he was keen to make his mark and after a decent start, with a slightly controversial caught behind off Nursey, normal service was resumed by Tim “van Bender” Pointer and Lothar serving the type of pies that Ming the Merciless would enjoy. Rudi “Tucker” Voller bowled a tidy spell with Dan “Karl Heinz” Lewis chipping in a decent spell. Wales’s John “Tugsack” Williams bowled well as did Graeme “C(l)amp” Souness with a wicket and appeal Ming would have been proud of. The ball followed Lothar as he fielded keenly. Keen to make up for earlier fisting.

This left Bruno Cunti and James “Ronald Kuntman” Chennels to finish off. Bruno surprised himself with a sharp caught and bowled and Ronald was tidy at the death. The last ball of the innings promised an almost certain run out until Pippa “PiP” Cowen dislodged the bails with his vag/cock.

So, 151 was the target for this merry band of 80s look a likes. Tbh, 51 probably would have been enough as Karl Heinz spooned the third ball to square leg. Tugsack offered decent resistance, pummelling the ball hard. Van Bender came and went, faster than Tugsack chasing a spring lamb, and then went again. More on that later. Rudi resolutely held up an end with trademark Teutonic spirit, while Lother and Nursey struggled against decent Crabtree bowling. Camp Graeme had a decent hit. No one could quite understand his heavily accented calling however and he bizarrely ran himself out. This left the Cunts - Bruno and Ronald - to salvage some respectability with Waddle and Pippa to close the cunt-fest. Off to the 6 Bells for us all apart from Van Bender, leaving his gizzy sausage for Nursey and Graeme to share. Quip of the evening from Ronald: “Pippa, you must be really shit at bowling!”

Onwards.