The Enemy Within

While other match reporters may go for the cheap modern-day gimmicks of parody and imitation in preparing their match reports, it has always been this reports “style” to ruminate on the bigger issues in life, and cricket’s vital role in explaining the true meaning of existence .

At least that is what I thought until Busted ruined my evening.. I have therefore sharpened the metaphorical axe of revenge that is…the “official match report of the fiasco that was Roundwood (and Busted) v SFDWP, 8 July 2025, weather hot, tempers, hotter still..

Part 1 – The return of the hero

It has been several years since SFDWP’s very own “professional musician!?!” (read unemployed arty type) Arnd has graced our team. Rumour was that he had “gone solo”. However, the Saddo’s very own fluffer, Richard “Runaround” Pagett (aka “Fluffy”) had been tasked by our President to “reach-out” and get the lad back in. You can say what you want about Fluffy, and many in this team do regularly, but if you give him something hard, Fluffy will always grab it with both hands and give the problem a good shake. The result, Arnd returned to the fold.

Part 2 - Captain Morgan’s Revenge

Chenners most recent attempt to lead the Sads was memorable in a number of ways, both because the second tour game was abandoned due to severe flooding and because Chenners was so drunk he could barely stand up for much of the game. However, technically, he had not lost his last game, so the committee threw him the armband and offered him a second chance. He won the toss and elected to bowl. A Stokey like decision, but would he come to regret it?

Part 3 – Enter the Pensioners

Now we are not exactly a young team, and this reporter is all in favour of equality legislation but, Chenners decision to open the bowling with 60 year old James N and 177 year old WG was anti-age discrimination Wokery gone mad. The opposition openers, clearly feeling sorry for the doddery old pair went easy on them leaving Grandad Nairne with respectable figures of 0-13 and Great Great Great Grandad WG with the unbelievable figures of 0-6.

Next up was “current” (but for how long) all time club leading wicket taker Winners, and double agent Busted. Winners was his usual excellent self, even if he got a lucky wicket as the ball bit the batsman’s glove and looped into the air. Now Pagett was keeper, so long odds were available on the catch but somehow, he took it. He also took a very good run-out later on. Excellent work all round Roundwood 25-1 off 5.

Part 4 – A Spy in our Midst

Enter Busted. Normally such a reliable bowler/chucker is our very own Busted, would be find his rhythm early? No!. On such a warm and inviting evening Busted took an immediate and personal dislike to the wicket and decided to” bowl” as if the ground did not exist. Aiming for somewhere around the groin Busted was dispatched around the ground like boundaries were going out of fashion. 6, 4, 4, 1, 4, 6, 6, 4 followed. Busted ended with 0-35 and some seriously suspicious betting activity on the foreign markets is being investigated. Roundwood moved to 66 for 1 off 8.

Part 5 – A brake is applied

After such ritual slaughter early on, it is always handy for a caption to be able to bring on two bowlers to stem the flow, to stop the batsman from swinging…… so who else does Chenners bring on than Granty, From the other end comes Arnd. Arnd bowls a maiden over…and induces the run-out mentioned earlier ending on 0-5. Granting keeps it tight and ends his first spell on 0-7. Roundwood are 78-2 off 12. Pagett is fired as wicket keeper and Lewis (D) takes over behind the stumps. You will hear more of Pagett later.

Part 6 – Big Boys Came

Lewis (P) and your correspondent are next into the line of fire. Sadly there is more swinging that you would find in Sandridge on a Saturday night and Roundwood move to 126 for 2 off 16. Jones 0-19 Lewis 0-29. The ball does not so much find Pagett in the deep, as it races past him frequently on its way over the boundary. Pagett makes his 10k steps in 10 overs, mostly running after the ball with the Benny Hill music playing in our heads (Arnd probably had something more classical playing in his head).

Part 7 – A Captain’s Performance

Chenners decided that the runs had to be stopped so he brough himself on. Would this be another “bold” captaincy decision? He finishes with 1-30 (so yes) and Roundwood make it to 171 for 3.


Part 8 – The Road to Runiation is paved with false hope

The Saddo’s innings started with style, grace and just the right amount of flair. Arnd makes a rapid 32 not out and Winners is well set when a ball hits his arm and he is bowled for 18. At that point Sads are 71 for 1 off 10, slightly behind the run rate but with 9 wickets in hand. Easy peasy lemon squeezy right?

Part 9 – Enter Agent Busted
With both openers gone No.3 Busted is joined by No.4, your correspondent. Now for various reasons your honest correspondent has gone 4 games without actually facing a ball or in fact crossing the white line, so is really motivated to make a difference on his 5th go. First ball he stands at the non-striker’s end and watches as Busted blasts a ball to point, start to run, shout yes,…wait. And head back from whence he came. Jones helpfully suggests that Busted stick to clear yes or no calls going forward. Busted smashes the next ball straight to point and clearly shouts yes, Jones runs and is about half a pitch short of getting home before the keeper smashes the stumps. Jones returns to the pavilion having not faced a ball and not saying nice things about Busted.

Jones has not finished removing his pads when No.5, Captain Chenners is back in the hutch, also having been run out by Agent Yes/Non. Chenners is run-out for 8, Busted retires on 26-2. Patch at No.6 made 2 before being bowled but your correspondent was temporarily blinded by a red mist and sadly did not witness this cameo. Busted was happily not involved in this Roundwood wicket though.

Part 10 – The Summer of 69

Fresh from achieving his first 69 on tour ….. Granty enters at No.7. Your correspondent is not entirely sure what Busted said to Granty as they met in the middle but, as he ran Dan out for 1, and Nairne for zero, one can only speculate whether cash offers were involved. Your correspondent did not hear the “very rude” words Nairne is alleged to have muttered on his way back to the pavilion but I am sure they could not be published anyway. Granty ends on figures of 18 for 2. Pagett come in at No.10 and batted in a way he is fast developing a reputation for, surviving on an unbeaten 3 accumulated over 3.3 overs. The Sads end on a respectable but losing 141 for 6 (4 of which were run-outs).

Having scored 35 for Roundwood and taken 2 Saddos wickets, Busted is clearly the winning team’s man of the match. Bitter me………….