SFDWP vs Verulam at Clarence Park - Thursday 7th June 2018

(Scores not available at the time of writing but Verulam set a total of 144 to win, SFDWP managed quite a few less than that but made it safely above 100 with a wicket in hand...)


For the first time this season, we made use of the remote match manager app. This is the one where the "manager" sorts out the team but doesn't actually turn up. It has been known to work in the past and so we adopted the "everyone write your own version of your performance" approach.


The following reports are in the players' own words...


Winfield Senior and Junior:
Junior - bowling off a half pace to be in keeping with skips instructions and oppo's concern - batters played him well and scored consistently. Batting with Sean was apparently to hang around - there followed a couple of nice lofted drivers over mid off and one straight to the fielder, for a short lived innings.

Winfield Snr - bowled in right areas, but a batsmen intent on hitting big, smashed a couple of 4 and followed the filth of a full toss, whacked for 6 - which appeared to be the highlight of the evening for Junior to rib his senior with the 'L' sign. Batting was short lived and this time being on the receiving end of a filthy full toss, only for it to be smacked straight into the hands of a fielder.

At least Junior can pour a pint!!

Jurgen Cooper:
Bowling - Liquorice Allsorts with one Quality Street chucked in.
Batting - Out to a very slow moving custard pie.
Fielding - Exiled again at cows corner (Yips - I'll never chirp you again I promise - can I please come out of the naughty corner now...).

Col(in):
Re Colin's batting:
Memo to self : Do not swish across the line first ball
Re Colin's bowling:
It's possible he managed not to bowl any wides but perhaps his memory isn't what it used to be

Rusty Bollocks (ex-Golden):
Bowling
Tembras opened the bowling, with only 10 players on the pitch (Chenners ambling onto the field for the second over - thank you Thameslink). First over was a tentative, cautious display, Verulam from the first ball stamped their intentions to score when they could taking cheeky singles right, left and centre. A sneaky glance down the leg side trickled for 4, just where Chenners was supposed to have been...A generous wide, a bunch of singles completed an average start.
Over two: slightly tighter however, Verulam weren't missing out on grabbing singles where they could...a theme throughout their innings.
Overall, a very average bowling performance.
Batting
After Tuesday's fireworks, expectations were running high. A flurry of wickets, results in Tembras entering at number 6. Keen to build a total and remain, starting with a push single that manages to go through the fielders legs and trickle down the pitch and nab a four (I wasn't expecting that). A dot ball,and change of over brings in their bearded antipodean, a full delivery aiming for middle brings a uncharacteristic forward defense, but it was too late, straightening up, off stump takes it on the chin.
Golden bollocks, turns rusty. Normal service resumed.

Chenners:
I was late for a game cricket
But when I bowled I picked up a wicket
Batted like boycs for twenty two
Then bowled by a pile of poo
We lost but pizza and beer after was just the ticket

Wilsers:
Failed to take a wicket and got hit for a boundary for the first time this season, then sulked in the outfield cursing my luck. Umpired the first few overs and watched the carnage at close quarters, mood brightened by the realisation that the Verulam team are actually not a bad bunch of blokes. Batted at 9 from the 12th over and nurdled the team towards some sort of respectability in tandem with Chennells.

Busted*:
Fielded shite, bowled shite, batted shite. Drank well.

Peelers*:
Captained shite. Yipped only once when bowling. Left Shaun in WG territory for the whole game...oh, and batted shite too.

Paggers:
I hope I managed to add some value to the evening by keeping wicket again for the Saddoes and managing to stop a few of the unplayable pacier deliveries getting through. On a better night I would have caught two chances. Still, I nearly formed a great partnership with Busted, but he was caught lbw and I was stumped after a ball which bounced twice went under my bat as I tried to get forward and score. But perhaps my greatest contribution was being able to fit one of the kit bags for next Tuesday's match into the back of my Fiat 500. Hopefully some redemption there.

WG:
Got tonked about in my first over, a more respectable second. Came out to bat with a ball to face, strode down the wicket with great authority and retired once again, 0 not out.

* It should be noted that these players failed to deliver a report in the allotted time and so had one written for them - probably fairly close to the reports they would have written for themselves.

Thank you all for your contributions, especially Chenners with his little ditty (and a poem).