Match report; Sad Fat Dads With Pads versus Marshalswicket 13/5/25

Shed’s Heaven

Destinys Child’s mega-seller “I’m a survivor” blared from the club house as the SADS rolled up
on a sunny, warm evening at Sandridge for the match against the lovely chaps at
Marshalswicket. Yes, that’s right, the ladies aerobics was at full tilt and the ground shuddering
volume of their music produced a renewed sense of vigour following defeat vs Pelicans in the
season debut. Who would be number one tonight?

Put into field, things got off to a typically ramshackle start for the SADS when the ball was hit
towards the boundary (a line of dandelions as it transpired), got called for a four but was
actually a two, then it was called for a two but then it was called for a four but eventually in the
interest of fair play was given as a four, much to the chagrin of Chennells, the bowler, who didn’t
seem to have had a say in the matter. “Just give it as a four,” said WG, a man who would play a
key role in umpiring tonight’s proceedings.

Anyway the SADS proceeded to bowl well but Marshalswicket, as we know, have some decent
batsman and on this extremely variable pitch things got tough. One delivery stayed low while
the next bounced up and could take your teeth out. Chennells and Pearly (a guest brought in by
Fraser) opened the bowling well, bar the unfortunate boundary call and as we will see all the
guest players (and hopefully new regulars) performed very, very well.

Keeping the score low was the aim, and it was a hard working but uneventful fielding display
from the SADS, who found it hard to breakthrough. The generally slow scoring Marshalswicket
attack was also having to cope with an unpredictable wicket. Your reporter was behind the
stumps having to deal with the veritable smorgasbord of deliveries coming down and bouncing
almost at random off the uneven track.

Looking at the scorebook from the oppo hasn’t helped me recall many details either. The list of
bowlers include three blank names, one called “Guy with Glasses” (presumably Jonesy who had
recently had to purchase a brand new pair to cope with the glare from Daisy Cooper’s teeth) and
“Bald Bloke” who – let’s face it – could be one of many

No matter the lack of wicket action, we are a band of brothers – quite literally. Dan had brought
his brother Patch along, carefully briefing the team on how he probably wasn’t as good as him
and he hadn’t played for 20 years. Well Danny Boy, how wrong can you be? In fact, the
consensus was that we got the wrong Lewis brother in the first place! Patch put in a great
performance over two overs.

Cue the return of Shedders. Nonchalantly reappearing after some three or four seasons away in
scream therapy he put in two fast and fine overs. Unlucky not to take a wicket, he nonetheless
showed that you can, even at an advanced age, still chase the birds and have enough energy to
faff about at cricket. Wonderful stuff! “Welcome back Shedders!” cried no one, although we
were all thinking it I’m sure.

After a couple of retirements things got better from the SADS and a wicket for WG came from a
controversial lbw decision from the umpire, their team leader and captain, Anil! This must have
inspired WG when he ump’d later - as he was in mischievous mood. Longers meanwhile was his
normal self, one minute placing fielders on behalf of ‘captain’ Jones, the next missing a few half
opportunities for a catch, the next hurling insults at yours truly. He really gives 100 percent in
everything he does and should be applauded for it.

Fraser meanwhile had brought along James, a sometime Scratcher and all round good egg who
bowled admirably considering the pressure put on with the scoring. Fraser’s fielding meanwhile
was outstanding, with a true highlight being his speciality slowmo dive, almost as if he was
carefully crawling down a flight of steep stairs. Anyway, innings over:

A “Nelson” to win and the Napoleon-statured Skipper -“Bonaparte” Jones - decided to put the
Lewis brothers in to open. A wonderful gesture, and right in the block hole when it comes to
SADS thinking. Patch, the new wunderkind, and Dan, quietly fuming at being outplayed by his
sibling so far, padded up in unison. Out they went and soon back in Dan came, succumbing to
an early ball.

Meanwhile, Bondy appeared in some kind of skintight lycra outfit. A note here on WG and
umpiring. He and Bondy have history, WG having been quick on his trigger finger to give Bondy
out. On seeing Bondy, WG again gave him the finger (not nice) but then decided he had never
signalled for a “one short”. So he decided to give it a go – costing the SADS runs, yet fulfilling his
life long dream of having “completed umpiring signals” in his EyeSpy Book of Being a Complete
Tit.

Fraser and Longers decided it was time to put some runs on the board and did well to get the
SADS scoreboard ticking over. Fraser however was just starting to truly get going when, in a
bizarre Torrette’s-like moment, played the ball, which rolled back towards his wicket at a very
very slow pace, only for him to – WHACK! - kick it as hard as he possibly could against his
stumps, just making certain he was out! Cue a mixture of incredulity and hilarity.

Following some nice work against tough bowlers from James, and thrilled by his own bowling
efforts, Shedders was now in to thwack it about and soon retired, allowing Jonesy to start
making some runs. Longers was dismissed after a fine knock, making way for Chenners only for
¬¬Paggers to hole out for a duck¬¬ACTUALLY..... WG to come in and ACTUALLY run between the wickets putting on
a tailenders’ partnership with Jones and Pearly!

Although the tail wagged, it wasn’t enough to reach the 111 to Victory. The tune we heard was
“Survivor”, but perhaps it should have been a Lewis-inspired “Brothers in Arms”, the Shedder’s
“Chasing Rainbows” but as usual it was Emperor Jones leading us to his very own “Waterloo”.

Man of the match: Bondy